Thursday, May 29, 2008

Bathrooms: An Invitation to Awkwardville


We all do it. Hopefully everyday. You know, bowel movements and urination. Ok, I'm not trying to get all into that, because let's be honest, it's not a topic that makes our mouths water. BUT...I just feel like there is so much discomfort that goes into these everyday natural bodily functions. I mean if everybody does it, why is it still so freakin uncomfortable??

Okay, so tell me if this applies to you guys. You work in a big corporate office with tons on people and you know, it's early morning, everyone's chugging their cup o' joe, and well, naturally, the bathroom begins to call everyone's name. You try to avoid the whole thing, but you just can't, and so finally, you get up from your little cubicle and you make your way to awkwardville, just praying that nobody else is in the bathroom when you get in there. You walk in and there's one stall door closed. "crap," you think. But then you're like, "ok, whatever. I'm just going to sit down on a toilet seat, wait until that person flushes, and as soon as I hear them exit the bathroom altogether, I will let your bodily actions take plight." Toilet flushes, stall opens, sink turns on, sink turns off, and finally the long-awaited sound of the bathroom door closing fills the air. You're finally home free! Or are you? Just as you're finally about to take care of business, the sound of that damn bathroom door is back again, and it looks like you've missed your big chance to let it all out. So you're already in your stall and at this point, you like have to at least do something, so you go pee real quick, wash your hands, go back to your cubicle and sit for the remainder of the day in a gassy discomfort. It's like what if you do take the plunge and go for the glory while people are in other stalls? It's like you always fear that one of the people in the other stalls is your boss. How awkward to face your boss at the sink after your bathroom adventure!

Or what about roommates? Unless you're living with your long-time boyfriend or girlfriend, or you're living with your spouse, going to the bathroom with the knowledge that there is always someone there, always someone being subjected to the sounds of your bodily functions--well, that's just awkward. I have literally walked miles before, just to find an anonymous bathroom so that I would not have to go in my apartment. Granted, this is at a time in which I was living with a male. Thankfully, in my current situation, there are 2 bathrooms, and each of which are far apart. So if God forbid I need to use the facilities, doing so is a bit more simple. But even so, it can still be awkward.

Or what about at the freakin bar/club? There's like no way out. You've been drinking beer all night and you like HAVE to go. You see that all the stalls are full, but you're drunk and you just don't give a you-know-what. So you plop down, do yo' thang, and you head to the sink...only to notice the next girl in line walk in your previous stall, and walk right out, causing a comotion amongst her friends about how gross it smelled in there.

I'm sure of two things regarding this topic. 1) that every person who reads this has experienced one of the three incidents. 2) that every person who reads this will never think of going to the bathroom the same way.

Happy pooping! ;-)

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