My Full-Moon-ish AOL Experience

Okay, weeeeeirddddd...Tonight I signed on to an AOL screen name that I NEVER use. And two instant messages popped up over the course of the evening, consisting of very bizarre content. And I know that it's nobody just plain fucking with me because barely anyone even knows I have the screen name I was using. See exhibit A & exhibit B:

EXHIBIT A:

FitchUofA [10:05 P.M.]: hi

MagGirlDF [10:05 P.M.]: hello...who is this?

FitchUofA [10:05 P.M.]: you emailed me i guess on craigslist

MagGirlDF [10:06 P.M.]: ...?

FitchUofA [10:06 P.M.]: i thought it was fake

FitchUofA [10:07 P.M.]: you responded to my craigslist ad?

MagGirlDF [10:07 P.M.]: i am really, really confused

MagGirlDF [10:07 P.M.]: elaborate... please?

FitchUofA [10:07 P.M.]: maybe not?

MagGirlDF [10:08 P.M.]: what did your ad say and it must have been a long time ago because i
rarely use this screen name. also, what do u mean u thought it was fake?

MagGirlDF [10:09 P.M.]: is this some kind of joke?

MagGirlDF [10:09 P.M.]: cuz i have no idea what you are talking about

FitchUofA [10:09 P.M.]: hm it must have been... im trying to figure it out tooooo

FitchUofA [10:09 P.M.]: no...

FitchUofA [10:10 P.M.]: are u single?

MagGirlDF [10:10 P.M.]: who are you?

FitchUofA [10:10 P.M.]: a legit guy

FitchUofA [10:10 P.M.]: and you?

MagGirlDF [10:11 P.M.]: i am NOT looking for some random hook-up with some random person who IMs me on AOL claiming I responded to their SEX ad on craigslist

MagGirlDF [10:11 P.M.]: you are creepy go away

FitchUofA [10:11 P.M.]: ew u are weird

MagGirlDF [10:11 P.M.]: *i* am weird?

MagGirlDF [10:11 P.M.]: you dont even know who i am and you're asking me if i'm single?

FitchUofA [10:11 P.M.]: well YOU EMAILED ME

FitchUofA [10:11 P.M.]: idiot

MagGirlDF [10:12 P.M.]: NO I DIDNT!

MagGirlDF [10:12 P.M.]: I HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE SO WILL YOU PLEASE DO ME A FAVOR AND INFORM ME?

FitchUofA [10:12 P.M.]: i put 2 ads on CL in my entire life... one about 2 weeks ago, and 1 about a year ago

MagGirlDF [10:12 P.M.]: AND WHAT DID THEY SAY?

FitchUofA [10:13 P.M.]: nothing about what you are explaining

FitchUofA [10:13 P.M.]: i am jewish, looking for a caring girl

MagGirlDF [10:13 P.M.]: ok please tell me what they are and i will let you know

FitchUofA [10:13 P.M.]: is that so hard

MagGirlDF [10:13 P.M.]: okay i definitely did not respond to ANY relationship ads

FitchUofA [10:13 P.M.]: weird

FitchUofA [10:13 P.M.]: well, have a good one, sorry to weird ya out

MagGirlDF [10:14 P.M.]: it's all good. good luck finding your caring jewish girl

FitchUofA [10:14 P.M.]: lol


EXHIBIT B:

Lbt4 3 [10:15 P.M.]: ???

MagGirlDF [10:15 P.M.]: ?

Lbt4 3 [10:15 P.M.]: hi

Lbt4 3 [10:16 P.M.]: i feel like DANCING!!!!!!!!!!!

MagGirlDF [10:16 P.M.]: who ARE you and why are you so strange? why is everyone so strange on AOL

Lbt4 3 [10:16 P.M.]: who da man!

Lbt4 3 [10:46 P.M.]: so whats up

MagGirlDF [10:46 P.M.]: who are you and why are you IMing me?

MagGirlDF [10:48 P.M.]: okay well if you aren't going to tell me, then there really is no point in this, is there?

Lbt4 3 [10:48 P.M.]: yes, there is damn it!

Lbt4 3 [10:58 P.M.]: ???

MagGirlDF [10:59 P.M.]: can i help u with something?

Lbt4 3 [10:59 P.M.]: wha are you up to

Lbt4 3 [11:01 P.M.]: i love you

Lbt4 3 [11:04 P.M.]: :'-(

Shauna Sand: Responsible Mother and Model Citizen (NSFW)

Shit, this hoe makes Britney Spears look like Mother Theresa. Bitch lets it all hang out--including that deformed nipple. Like seriously, wtf? And as far as her downtown area goes, I would honestly rather not know. But back to that nipple--that shit canNOT be fo' real! For more of the classiness that is Shauna Sand, click here (better close-ups of those, umm...areas...)

Those poor kids of hers. I'm sure they are so proud...

Speidi Siblings Need a Lesson in Loyalty

We know the success of The Hills and it's stars rides solely on publicity stunt after publicity stunt, because these seemingly exciting characters can't create dramz naturally, but where is the line drawn? 

In the most recent paparazzi-friendly meet-up, Lauren Conrad giggled over a sandwich with none other than Heidi Montag's sister, Holly. Yeah, what? And of course, this follows Conrad's recent BFF-ship with Stephanie Pratt, the sister of Conrad's mortal enemy Spencer. 

I'll get to Holly's buck teeth and cankles (I cropped her cankles from the photo out of courtesy to save her from embarrasment) later, but in the meantime, this situation means one of two things:

Either Montag and Pratt have some pretty poor relationships with their siblings--so much so that they choose to publically gather with their siblings' enemy--OR--the openly honest famewhores Speidi are so eager for more publicity that they will sacrifice their integrity by having their siblings chill with their so-called enemy just so it will be one more thing the media can talk speculate.

So pathetic either way!

Platinum Pen EXCLUSIVE: The Hills is Even Faker Than You Think!

A Platinum Pen reader reveals to me exclusively that she spotted Lauren Conrad and cohorts on Friday, filming a scene for The Hills on location—on location of a set, that is. Yup, not only are the events and drama on the faux-ality show acted out, but even some of the locations are fake!

My source spotted LC in her black Mercedes in the parking lot of a lighting studio off of La Brea Ave. in Los Angeles. Apparently the parking lot had a fake traffic light set up and the idea was to impose Lauren in her car on the road, having a conversation with someone. Now it all makes sense. I always wondered how they managed to so accurately film those car scenes. Duhhh…because most of them are not actually on the road.

As I watch the updated preview for Season 4 of The Hills (which premieres Aug 18th, FYI), I pretty much assumed everything you see is fake. Although I have to wonder if LC’s crying scenes are real—either that, or she’s really mastered this whole acting thing to a tee. But then again, she does so much crying on the show that she’d have to have mastered that action by now.

Lindsay Lohan's Legging Line: And You Thought Spanx Were Expensive!

We can already smell the aroma of failure in the air, as yet another celeb takes a stab at their own overpriced apparel line. Star of the hour: Lindsay Lohan. Her line of leg-covering material (pictured above) ranges up to the mid-hundreds per item! You have GOT to be kidding me! I remember when I thought shelling out a whopping $40 for each pair of my Nordstrom-friendly Spanx was a hefty spend. Good heavens, Lilo's damn leggings are probably worth more than the girl's John Hancock, for crying out loud. Who does Lindsay think she is? P. Diddy? As much as the mogul bugs me, I have to admit that his line, Sean John, is the *only* celeb clothing line I take seriously. It's been around forever, and it has truly branded a name for itself in reputable lines of fashion. And so if Sean John wants to be expensive, it surely can. As for me and leggings, I'm stickin to my $40 leg decor, thank you very much!

Yes, 10-inch Fingernails Exist--Right Here in Los Angeles, in Fact

Look at the above photo, and replace the male in the photo with a middle-aged Black woman. And instead of the pinkish-looking nails like in the above photo, picture a camo-looking color ensemble. And instead of the long, somewhat dangly nails, imagine seven or eight inches of curled nail enamel. Okay, so basically imagine an entirely different photo than the one above. I just had to put that one up for effect. Anyway, the vision I am describing is what my astonished eyes got a glimpse of today in the parking lot of Rite Aid in Studio City while I was sitting in my car, waiting for something to be ready.

But don't think I didn't at least *attempt* to get a photo of this seriously unbelievable site to be seen. I sat there, pretending to type on my cell phone, aiming my phone at this nail freak's hand while she sat there talking on her phone. But I felt like it was too obvious, so I didn't do it. But what was weird was one hand had the long, curled, 10-inch nails, and the other hand was just normal. Guess she probably realized she may have to sacrifice ultra coolness to be able to wipe herself after using the restroom (or pretty much to be able to do anything functional for that matter).

I was so freaked out when I saw this lady's hand. At first I didn't really get what it was, and then I looked closer, and I was like OMG. Scary!!! But yes, those crazy-ass nails exist--and not just in the Guinness Book of World Records!

Burger King: A Place For the Fine-Dining Elite?

Yesterday, I didn’t even know Burger King still existed. Today, I come to discover that the fast-food chain just entered the Guinness Book of World Records because of it’s newly introduced menu item called, “The Burger.” I guess there’s no explanation needed, as the title must speak for itself—or if not, you can be sure the price does. Listed at a whopping £95—which is equivalent to around $150.00, for all you Americans—“The Burger” is said to be created with, “the world's most succulent Japanese beef, complemented with white truffles, onion tempura prepared in Cristal champagne and Italy's finest Pata Negra prosciutto.”

Let’s be honest, priced at $150.00 or not, if people want to spend the big bucks on a burger for crying out loud, it’s probably not going to be at BK. I’d still take a $2 In-N-Out burger any day before stepping into a Burger King.

Is One Pair of Jeans Worth An Entire Year (Depending On Where You Live) Of Rent?

Remember when Seven For All Mankind and Citizens of Humanity were all the hype? Ahh...the good ol' days. And after everyone on the planet shelled out their $130 to own a pair of the ever-trendy lines of designer denim, True Religion and Rock & Republic stepped up the designer denim craze, with jeans priced starting at around $200. And from there, boutique-friendly lines like Taverniti definitely set the denim scale high.

Well guess what, folks? Time to fold up your Frankie B.'s and Joes' because nothing--brace yourself--nothing will compare to this: Key Closet, a Los Angeles-based clothing company founded in 2006, just released a pair of jeans (pictured above) priced at $10,000 (yes, you read the four zeroes correctly). The jeans are adorned with more than 10,000 Tiffany-set Swarovski crystals for the thighs and one-carat diamonds on each back pocket, for a total of two carats for the booty. Additionally, the buttons on the back pockets are even made of white gold, and the graphics are accented with foil and hand spray paint to "enhance the look of pure glamour."

But don't go thinking these jeans were created all in vain. The designers are apparently donating 30 percent of all profits made off these blinged-out-booty pants to a charity that helps build schools in Uganda. That's a very generous donation; however, in order to have money to donate, people actually have to purchase the jeans. But then again, this is LA. so I'm sure there will be some home foreclosure taking part so that these fake ridiculous LA women can afford a damn pair of these jeans.

Betcha Never Seen Anything Like This Before!

We all love beer. Duh. But do we love beer so much that we eat, sleep, breathe, and...DIE it? This guys does! He loves Pabst Blue Ribbon so much that he has created a casket fully designed with the PBR logo.

Apparently he's taken his college days a little over the edge!

Sharon Stone's UFO

We've all seen women flash their undies and their you-know-what's, but what on EARTH (literally) is that object lingering underneath Sharon Stone’s dress? Maybe it’s just my eyes, but it looks like a umm… what do YOU think that is? Leave your thoughts in the comments below. I’d love to have an answer. This pic is driving me crazy!