BREAKING: Kim Kardashian Rushed to Hospital; Sliced Open Her Foot

God's gift to the Armenian kind, AKA Kimberly Kardashian, has been rushed to the ER at a hospital in New York after slicing her foot open on a glass table. Reports are saying there was so much blood from the incident that it looked like a murder scene!

Buttt....this could be a blessing in disguise for the sexpot, as reports are also saying that this mishap may result in the inability for Kimmy to partake in Dancing With the D-Listers as was originally planned. You know she did this shit on purpose. She realized what a complete mistake she'd be making by agreeing to do the worst show ever! So she went through all this! Good choice, Kim. It'll all be worth it in the end.

Kimmy K Pulls a J-Lo; Doesn't Pull it Off--While Khloe K Still Looks Like a Man

It was an unfortunate day for the Kardashian klan, who came out to Project Beach House in Malibu for McDonalds' 40th bday this past weekend (celebratin 40 years of heart disease. woot!). Kimmy from Da Block--err...I mean Valley... donned this Puerto Rican-vibed get-up, and I have to say, as much as I worship this Goddess, this look just isn't my favorite.

And speaking of unfavorable looks, it comes as no surprise that Kim's sis Khloe looks horrendus--especially as she stands there hovering over Lauren Conrad. LC doesn't care as long as ya keep fillin up that drink she's got in hand. And remember my Khloe K. bikini posting from the other day? Yup, once again, everyone is in a bathingsuit (of sorts) except for Khloe. I'm still waiting for someone to send me a freakin photo of Khloe in a bikini. I told you, I will have a special *prize* for the first person who sends!!!

In Case You Were Visiting Mars This Past Week...

• It was a battle of the Disney hotties VS the Disney Notties. 15-year-old Miley Cyrus and her trailer park teef, alongside her 20-year-old cradle-robbing BFF Mandy Jiroux, tried tried to chomp all over Disney darlings Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato. Cyrus and Jiroux made complete annoying idiots out of themselves (out wait--nothing new) in an attempt to mock Disney's most beautiful starlets in a YouTube video (see below). Cyrus has her granny panties in a bunch because not only is Gomez waaayyyyy hotter than Cyrus' skankazz, but Gomez is rumored to be dating Cyrus' ex, Nick Jonas. I don't know what's more pathetic: the fact that Cyrus and Jiroux are stupid enough to actually post this--or the fact that Jiroux is wasting her time dissing 2 adorable girls who are 5 years her junior!

• Shanna Moakler let her true classy colors show at a BBQ in Malibu, throwing a drink at Kim Kardashian, claiming the Armenian Goddess was sending more-than-friends-ish emails to her then-hubby Travis Barker. Moakler chatted it up with blog owner Nik Richie, and on the record, called Kardashian a "fat donkey," amongst other things. If Kimmy K. is a "fat donkey," then I aspire to be just that!
• Famous fashion flopper Mariah Carey done did it again, looking (as Perez would say) shitaeous as she showed up to BET's 106 & Park in a gawd-awful number.

Finding a Photo of Khloe Kardashian in a Bikini is About as Likely as Finding a Photo of Sienna Miller Not in a Topless One

Try typing "Khloe Kardashian in a Bikini" in google. See image above! Only 22 results. And what's funnier? Those 22 results are in fact mislabeled. I clicked on them only to find that the photos are actually of Kourtney and Kim, not Khloe and Kim. So what do we learn from this? Khloe Kardashian is ashamed of being the fatty sister--OR she really is a man!

I have a special prize for the first Platinum Pen reader who emails me a (non-photoshopped) photo of the lesser attractive Kardashian wearing a bikini.

Is Kim Kardashian Sacrificing Her A-List Club Cred For a C-List Reality Show?

We all know Kim Kardashian knows how to shake her (plentiful) groove thang at Goa, Villa and other A-List hotspots, but does the Armenian seXXX symbol plan to take her dancing skills outside of the nightclubs?

Helio Castroneves, winner of Season 5 of Dancing With the Stars was apparently overheard backstage at the ESPYs, revealing that Kimmy K. will be one of the celebrity contestants on this Fall's season of ABC's hit show.

Somehow, I do not believe this is true. If anything, maybe I could see Kris or Bruce Jenner polishing their dancing shoes for the C/D-List reality show, but definitely not Kim. Guess we'll have to wait till the Fall to find out!

In Case Your Internet Connection Was Down Over the Weekend...

• DMX has been arrested for sixth time in three months--yes, you read that correctly. What was the cause this time around? Identity left. Arrested in Phoenix, Arizona, the rapper allegedly used a fake name and Social Security number to avoid paying a $7,500 medical bill back in April.
• Khloe Kardashian joined Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan on the list of celebs (or sister of a celeb) who managed to turn a 30-some-odd-day jail sentence into a mere one-hundred-some-odd (or less) minutes. HAHAHA and to think Paris Hilton actually had to rock a pinstripe jumpsuit for a whopping three weeks. Oh, the tragedies...
• Shannen Doherty will officially be reprising her role as the greatest TV character of all time--Brenda Walsh--on the new 90210. I mentioned before that she was in talks with the producers to possibly do so, but it appears now the Queen has signed on the dotted line to take back her seat on her television throne. Doherty will return to direct West Beverly High's school musical. Whoop-dee-freakin-doo, right? But who cares, as long she's getting screen time!
• Britney Spears makes her first red (or in this case, blue) carpet event appearance in...what seems like....ever? And even krayzier? She actually looks relatively normal in photos from the event. Normal, but numb. All those sedatives do a damn good job of keeping her emotionless.